


I don't remember comfort (Because what I am is what I'm not)

by kijoonzijoon



Category: GOT7, HyunA - Fandom, K-pop, Monsta X (Band), NCT (Band), Pentagon (Korea Band), SEVENTEEN (Band), Stray Kids (Band), iKON (Korea Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Gender Dysphoria, Other, Trans Character, Trans Male Character, okay so im just gonna dump my dysphoria and other shit feelings into a story or smth or like, seperate stories maybe idk, uhhhhhhhhh idk what else to tag, vent fics tbh, yeeeeeee
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-13
Updated: 2019-06-25
Packaged: 2019-11-16 17:09:56
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,843
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18098558
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kijoonzijoon/pseuds/kijoonzijoon
Summary: A set of ficlets about some of your favourites but set in the lgbt community.alternatively titled,Let's vent all our problems through our favourite people.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> The title is taken from the lyrics of Cavetown's song Dysphoric.  
> Trigger warning;  
> mentions of self-harm and/or unsafe binding
> 
> NOTICE;  
> PLEASE DO NOT BIND WITH BANDAGES OR TAPE, IT's SUPER DANGEROUS AND I KNOW YOU MAY BE SUPER DESPERATE FOR SOME RELIEF FROM THE DYSPHORIA BUT PLEASE DONT USE TAPE OR BANDAGES. ♡♡♡

Exhausted and already half asleep Mark pulled himself onto the bus, swiping his metro card quickly and avoiding the eyes of the bus driver. His phone was buzzing softly in the zip pocket of his school shorts, stopping and a few seconds later starting the soft buzz again. Quiet chatter from the to older women near the back of the bus flowing past him, almost the colour of green _, peaceful._ He could rest here, no one from class and no teachers to pick on him and dismiss everything. 

Choosing a seat by the front, after the first step up to the back, he sits. He doesn't grab out his phone and he doesn't pay attention to the eyes of the women behind him prickling into him like fire. He pays no mind to the time, twelve fifty, and he doesn't look out the window at the buildings and people they drive past. He sits and stares down at his hands. He's always thought they were too small to be a man's hands. He shouldn't complain though, _he's not a man_ he thinks, _just a boy_. He's _only a boy_ he thinks, _a boy stuck in some weird form of hell_ he thinks.

Looking up he catches the eye of a boy sitting across the bus, further to the front and closer to the bus driver. This boy, Mark thinks, _this boy is everything I want to be_. Mark slumps and loses focus again, getting off the bus at the next stop and not caring about the rain that's starting to spit or the fact he'll have to walk another two kilometres to get home. 

If mark had to be honest with you his first words would be "I'm sorry" or maybe even "help". Sadly, Mark cannot be honest. He can't speak about the weight on his shoulders that's crushing him and he can't talk about the fact that people still call him the name of what he used to be, of who he was. He doesn't care now, I mean he does but this pain is gripping him so badly he can't breathe. So, he won't care till he's better again. He walks home. The whole two kilometres passing by vaguely the colour of blue. Blue flooding everything, fogging up his vision and drowning him over and over. 

He opened the door to the shared dorm area his "family" lives in. The lot of them, they call themselves the Dreamies, _some weird code_ Mark thinks. _It's some weird code for being different_ , something people would think only exist in a mental person's hallucinations. He wouldn't dare tell Donghyuck that, nor would he say a word of what he thinks about the title to Chenle, Renjun, Jaemin, Jeno or Jisung. He secretly loves the name but now he feels suffocated. He doesn't like how feminine the group title seemed. He doesn't like how his classmates and teachers roll his dead name out of their mouths like it's not going to hurt anyone. He hates the boys and the girls in his year level. He hates that they pick on him, degrade and hit him when the teachers turn a blind eye. He hates this hell he is stuck in. 

A hell that has sentenced him to live as a boy with the wrong body. The hell that's cursed this boy with breasts. 

If Mark had to tell you honestly how long he thinks he could survive in the hell he'd tell you, maybe not straight away but he'd say it. This boy, this cursed boy. _I Won't live till graduation_ he'll say. _I_ won't _make it. I can't make it that long._ He can't transition till after he graduates, he isn't allowed a binder or boys underwear or anything in the men's section until then. It slowly eats at him, the colour bleeding into red. Bleeding like the cuts on his thighs and wrists. 

He lays on his bed. Barely feeling anything yet feeling everything at once. He vaguely registers pain in his ribs and back, shooting down his sides. _It's probably the bandages_ he thinks. _I'm so stupid I shouldn't have used them_ he thinks. Rolling his eyes at himself he gets up to move, pain shooting far down his back. He decides then to just lay there, the others would be home soon and they would be worried. He brushed past them at school, speed walking straight to the bus stop, not answering their calls or messages. They would find him, almost hollow, laying in his bed on top of the covers and the blinds closed as per usual. They'd find him not moving and they'd help him up. They always did. They would see the bandages and unwrap them carefully, exposing the bruised carcass of a boy. The carcass of a boy who didn't love himself enough to care about the bruises or the rib damage he could have or the complications that could come from that. 

For now, as he lay on his bed thinking, _for now, I'm safe with them. For now, the colour is grey._ It's numbing the air around him, pulling the broken boy to sleep and urging the time to pass quickly to bring him safely back home from the bleeding red. The goldfish swims around its bowl on the desk, the door gently opens and Home looks in at the broken Mark. Home comes to take care of him in the form of his friends, his angels, his Dreamies.


	2. 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Turn down these voices inside my head  
> Lay down with me  
> Tell me no lies  
> \- Bonnie Raitt
> 
> Felix loves being held. He loves cuddling more than anything. One problem, the body he's stuck in is disgusting and he hates it. He doesn't want it to be touched. If pretending he hates skinship is what he has to do to stop his members from seeing how disgusting it is, it's what he will do.

Something was wrong. He could feel it as soon as he woke up. Normally Felix would feel fine in the mornings, he had his binder, he had his warmest jumper and he had his friends with him. But still, something felt... off? He'd woken up early after not sleeping well and he took a few minutes to rest with his eyes closed to fully wake up. Something bad was going to happen. He had this gut feeling and heaven knows Felix's gut never lied. 

After deciding to get up he rummaged through the clothes next to his bed, searching for his binder. Where was it?- oh, found it. Lifting the fabric up to look at it, his mouth fell open. His binder, his only binder, his secret had ripped in the night. The rip, right down the side, wouldn't help compress anything. Shit. Bad event number one, check. Still, he managed to get ready for his day. The group had a busy schedule so he's a little glad he woke up early and had time to freak out over his binder otherwise he'd be late.

Walking into the kitchen Felix is surprised to see not only Chan awake but Jeongin and Hyunjin too. "Mornin' Chan Hyung, Hyunjinnie, Jeonginnie" he greeted quietly, nodding at the small responses of "morning Bokkie", "Morning Hyung!", and "hey Lix" from the half-asleep boys. He grabbed his breakfast and joined them at the table, noting the start of a bad feeling worsening. Fuck. His dysphoria was starting up again, he did not need this today. 

"yah bokkie! are you finished food yet?" it was Hyunjin first, "if you're done we have like an hour we can sleep before Manager Hyung comes, come cuddle with us!" then Jeongin.

Silence.. only for a few seconds.. silence everywhere. It was almost as if Hyunjin and Jeongin broke some kind of code, some rule that said not to touch. It was tense for a few seconds and then,

"no thanks guys, I'll pass" Felix stood up and put his cereal bowl in the sink, smiling stiffly at the three boys, Chan was only watching at this point, and he walked back to his room.

"yah maknae! didn't you forget Felix hates skinship!" Hyunjin whisper-yelled, not angry just scared, Felix had looked mad.

"I forgot, I'm so sorry Hyungie! It won't happen again!"

Felix could hear them from the hallway. He could see Chan standing up to get his third cup of morning coffee. He could feel the disappointment settling in his own stomach at the fact he couldn't go cuddle. All of this was his fault. The tense atmosphere when they talked about skinship, feeling alone while he's with the boys he calls family, all of it. His fault. All of it because he feels bad about some stupid lumps on his chest that he can't get rid of yet. All of this shit, a grave he's dug for himself and trapped himself in. God, he wishes he was normal, then he could cuddle them without problems.

Moving back out to the living room when their manager comes to collect them is harder than normal. He feels like with every step he takes another disgusting flaw of his is pointed out to the others. He feels that they're staring at him as he walks on next to Chan. It doesn't feel like they're ready to know, he can't tell them yet.

Now, he thinks... right now its better to suffer this shit then to have my world know...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a shorter one I'm sorry, next one will be longer I promise.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It wasn't that bad, to be honest, he didn't have it as bad as others so he really shouldn't complain. It'll pass soon ... maybe. He will return to the numb feeling soon and resume his role as Monsta x's cutie rapper in no time.

3 am. It was 3 am and Jooheon had still not managed to fall asleep.

Sitting upright, staring at the wall across from him. Not that he was particularly focused on it, it was just there. The wall across from him was also part of the bottom bunk of the second bed. Hyungwon's bunk. Above Hyungwon was Minhyuk, above Jooheon himself was Shownu. Kihyun, Changkyun and Wonho shared the other room. 

The numb feeling in his chest and the spaced out feeling in his head. Not thinking anything but feeling everything yet nothing simultaneously. It wasn't that bad, to be honest, he didn't have it as bad as others so he really shouldn't complain. It'll pass soon ... maybe. He will return to the numb feeling soon and resume his role as Monsta x's cutie rapper in no time.

It was his job. They couldn't know he felt like he was drowning. They can't know the reason he won't shower with them or throw his shirt around in concerts. They can't find out. Who knows what would happen then. Two years ago if he'd been told this was how he'd feel he would've told you he'd be dead. The list of things they don't really know about him extends more each night. The panic builds.

Freeze. Movement. Hyungwon was awake too? No?, quick Jooheon play dead.

Hyungwon settles. Peace again.

Strange numbness returns, burning his chest slowly, his breath quick and silent. His eyes glued to the wall above Hyungwon's sleeping figure. It feels like drowning again. Like a snake has wrapped around him, looking to make rid of some scrap of food it has found.

If Shownu or Minhyuk or Hyungwon were to wake would they notice how off he was acting?. Choking in small bouts of air when needed, the burning in his chest expanding. What would they think?. What would they do?. This man had no plans but schedule later that morning. 

Lights flick on, its 5 am now. He's still seated and staring. It's too bright here, his eyes hurt. Numbness leaves and the burning hurts. His breath is back and tears are streaming down his cheeks.

Kihyun walks over. Kihyun walks over and he's safe. No more drowning, for now, Kihyun has got him. Kihyun can help. The devil's of his body will silence for now, even for a short time. He's with family and his family help him forget.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> really short one for you guys sorry ;(  
> i see monsta x real soon in concert so im super hyped!  
> i do feel a bit shitty right now which is why this has been posted at 3:35 am but hey, angst is a good fuel for writing more mental fucked up fuckery. Jooheonie in this has the kind of dysphoria i suffer most of the time. i havent heard of a lot of other trans guys experience dysphoria this kind of way so i also wanted to point out that its extremely fine to experience it this way or any other way you feel dysphoria. ily guys, thanks for reading this


	4. 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The babies of the group had their problems, Jeonghan knew that for a fact. He didn't have to help them but when you care too much about the wellbeing of your maknaes you end up helping anyway.

Jeonghan had a knack for mothering and fussing over the three maknaes, It wasn't hard considering they treated him like a father or older brother. Considering this he thinks he can read the boys pretty well. He can tell when they're happy or angry and he can most definitely tell when something is going horribly wrong. Taking it as a blessing in disguise Jeonghan has looked out for his babies for as long as he's been able to, which means a long long time. 

It's Seventeen's Fourth Anniversary as a group and Jeonghan can tell that Seungkwan is being quieter than normal. Jeonghan wonders if the boy realises it himself too, deciding to corner the boy after the broadcast and talk to him. 

"Kwannie? lets go order takeout, we deserve it hm?~" Jeonghan says softly, throwing an arm around Seungkwan's shoulders and leading him out the door. Jeonghan doesn't listen to the chorus of the manager telling them to be careful and to wear their masks, he's more focused on making his baby boo feel better. 

He succeeds, finding out that Seungkwan is just overwhelmed. The boy is so happy to have reached the anniversary with the group and their carats that he's a little emotional that day. It's a good thing, Jeonghan decides. Kwannie will be alright, He knows it.

The next time Jeonghan senses something wrong is shortly after their anniversary. Hansol has been spending a lot of time in the studio and even Jisoo is a bit worried. Jisoo is normally the one to approach Hansol as most of the time its just sudden bursts of homesickness and doubt. They know when he stays late at the studio and doesn't reach out to Jisoo it's a little worse then just doubts.

Jeonghan walks into the studio that night almost at midnight. He feel the base of Hansol's music as he reaches closer to the door. It's heavy and vibrates against his chest as he listens. Stopping outside and waiting he listens, it's definitely a newer song. He hadn't heard the beat or tune before. He hears Hansol's voice against the music and realises it's a demo. Hansol has been working on a song.

He knocks before entering. "Sol, it's time to come home. Back to bed with both of us, it's very late" 

Hansol is laying on the floor at the corner of the studio, seemingly fast asleep. Not what Jeonghan was expecting though, Jeonghan also wasn't expecting the beanbag that Hansol frequented to be in the other corner, insides spilled onto the floor. Hansol's music program was set open on the computer playing on loop. While he didn't produce a lot of music he liked to play around and create beats with the software and it seemed like he'd learnt a bit from watching Jihoon.

Turning the software off after saving the progress Jeonghan turns to the boy in the corner, Shaking his head lightly he sighed. "This boy, aish what to do".

He gently shook the boy awake, waking him up after a minute. Hugging Hansol quickly when he saw the tears well up in his eyes. He'd be able to take care of the boy now, taking him home and cuddling till Hansol felt ready to talk.

While Jeonghan was good at reading the younger members he knew the hardest to read was Chan. Normally it wasn't till it got really really bad that Chan reached out or asked anyone for help, or till anyone actually noticed.

Chan was beginning to keep secrets again. It wasn't against their house rules as everyone had their own kind of secrets but it was a bit worrying. Chan would normally share most everything with the members, they had practically raised him so he saw no reason not too.

Jeonghan knew something was off when Chan started refusing hugs and skinship more than he normally would. Flinching away whenever Soonyoung threw an arm around his shoulder and squirming out of hugs he was pulled into at concerts. It was a big red flag for Jeonghan so he decided to keep a closer eye on the little maknae.

Chan was now sick, resting instead of attending a concert with the rest of the group. Red flag number two had been flown, Jeonghan was going to intervene now.

when they'd arrived home from the concert Jeonghan had run straight to the performance team bedroom, slowly opening the door and sliding in. He could see the small lump in the covers that Chan had made, watching for a few seconds and seeing it shake occasionally.

"My poor baby, are you cold Channie?" he asked quietly, walking over and sitting on the edge of the bed. The lump had froze and Chan peeked up at Jeonghan, eyes watery and red rimmed. "Channie baby have you been crying?" He asked the younger. Chan just looked away and nodded slightly. 

Jeonghan's heart fell more, his baby was definitely feeling bad. now he just had to find out what he was sad about. "Channie what's upsetting you" he asked gently, carding his fingers through Chan's fading blond hair. After receiving no response he asked "Is it the company? are people making you feel bad? about the thing?.." Tilting his head he looked down at chan softly. Getting a hum in response he grits his teeth and makes note to put fish sauce in the coffee of whoever made his baby's feeling hurt.

 

pt 1 fin-

Hi guys! this chapter was getting a bit long so I'll split it into two and hopefully i'll remember to write part two <3


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